DISCLAIMER: I have been sooo very blessed by so many that love our family, want what’s best for us, and have been rock solid in their support and love. I have so many “only one phone calls away”. For that I will forever be grateful. That level of commitment and dedication is not lost on me.
This is the long-awaited post that people will say they could care less about but will likely get more reads than anything else on my blog in the past 6 mos. Not because I’m all that popular…in fact, I’d say quite the opposite. However, we do know a lot of people since we’ve lived in Montgomery forever. We have a history with the city, the neighborhoods, the schools, the churches. We have a lot of people that know our story of adoption and love our family. We. just. do.
In fact, the word is still seeping out among whispers at church, in friendly conversations in the grocery store line, at the ballpark, and, and. Once our relationship status on Facebook changed and the rings came off, word started traveling faster than wildfire in a parched forest. In the same way, we as humans just get a bit parched for something to quench our thirst to remedy the mundaneness of life. We need something. A good love story. A strong comeback story. And in some cases, sadly, a tragic story of a marriage broken in divorce. No one “likes” reading these kinds of stories. They give them pause. They make people reflect on their own situation. It’s uncomfortable. BUT we still read them because we WANT TO KNOW.
I. Am. Divorced. There. I. Said. It.
And before I go any further…this post is in no way meant to make light of the marriage union which is a covenant that two people enter before God taking vows to love and to cherish, to keep safe, to be unselfish, and faithful for life, forsaking all others…not at all. On the contrary, to say in most cases (I would imagine) and certainly in ours, keeping that covenant under all circumstances should be the goal. AND both parties should be willing to go to GREAT lengths to ensure they do everything possible to protect the union. However, in some cases, the union will end in divorce. That means something is broken beyond repair. It usually includes hearts, dreams, and souls. I dare say it always includes fault on both sides. Just do yourself a favor and try not to figure out why. Sometimes there just isn’t an easy answer.
Here’s my story.
No attorneys. No custody battles. No heated arguments over STUFF. No disagreements about spending time with the kids and sharing them in between 2 households. No fussing about where the kids will go to church or how we will spend holidays. Just paper, a pen, a couple of signatures, a notary, and $194. Yep. That’s it. you waited all that time and this is all there is to it.
Just so you know…(take it from me I’ve lived it)…after you’ve fought long and hard. And I mean LONG and HARD. Like pretty sure we each had at least 2 documented nervous breakdowns, went through at least 4 counselors, were called every name in the book from others and each other, lost our reputation, became the topic of conversation at church fellowships, had lies spread about us, lost all of our dignity, and our dirty laundry exposed to half of the city…
The conversations on repeat.
The same arguments like a broken record.
The boundaries set yet again and broken.
The name-calling and dishonesty, and disrespect.
The hostility, tension, and turmoil.
The unrest, fear, toxicity, and anger.
It’s FINALLY over.
People will say…you do you…it’s time. They’ll say things like, you both have to heal now. I agree. I am fine with saying “Imma do me”. No apologies. No guilty feelings. BUT get ready…because they will sort of think they should have a say about how you go about this whole healing process.
EXAMPLES of what well-meaning friends, family, and otherwise strangers on the street will say, do or think.
- Have an opinion about which church you should go to.
- Think you should not commit to doing anything right now. Do not overextend yourself they say.
- Encourage you to get involved in stuff so you can keep your mind busy.
- Straight up tell you what to do with your new life and what not to do.
- Question what they “see” you spend money on.
- Have an opinion on how long you should or shouldn’t wait before dating or even if you should date at all.
- Assume it should either take a longer or shorter time to heal (preferably opposite of whatever you are doing).
- Watch what you post on social media.
- Speculate about any new friends. Male and female.
- Say “she’s changed since the divorce” (barely above a whisper with a slightly derogatory tone, as if it’s something bad) if you make any changes at all including but not limited to…hair color, eating habits, exercise habits, sleeping habits, style of clothing, music choices, social activities, etc.
- Think maybe you should dial it back a bit IF you go out and have some fun.
- Think maybe you could be headed down the dark road of depression if you stay in.
Then some folks truly won’t care. They will treat you like the broken, bruised, hurt, happy, at peace, survivor that you are. They’ll keep their opinions, gossip, and storytelling to themselves. They will refrain from making judgments or assumptions. They will give hugs, non-judgmental looks, and ultimately give you the imaginary thumbs up, because they realize NO ONE walked in my shoes or his…but me and him.
If you are one of those…THANK YOU.
the whole truth & nothing but,